Social Skills That Friendships Depend On

What Social Skills Does Friendship Require?

Studies with children and adults consistently show: people with strong social skills have more friends and more positive interactions (Riggio, 1986; Gest et al., 2001). But the key insight is that different skills matter at different stages of friendship formation.

Shaver, Furman, and Buhrmester (1985) followed first-year college students through their freshman year. At the start — when nobody knew anyone — initiation skills were decisive: introducing yourself, starting a conversation, reaching out. Later, self-disclosure skills along with warmth and support became more important.

Empathy and Listening

One especially powerful skill is responsiveness— attentively engaging with what the other person says. Davis and Perkowitz (1979) demonstrated experimentally that responsive interaction partners were rated as significantly more likable and received better friendship prognoses.

Responsiveness signals interest and attentiveness, which in turn triggers self-disclosure in the other person (Berg, 1987). Dale Carnegie put it succinctly in 1936: “You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”

Ego Effect vs. Alter Effect

Friendship research distinguishes between two directions of social-skill impact. The ego effect describes how your own skills influence your friendship success. The alter effectdescribes how the other person’s skills shape the relationship.

Selfhout et al. (2010) showed that extraversion operates primarily as an ego effect — extroverts initiate more often. Agreeableness operates as an alter effect — agreeable people are more frequently chosen as friends.

Conflict Competence

In established friendships, another skill becomes crucial: conflict competence— the ability to weather disagreements without damaging the relationship. Friendship research shows: it is not the absence of conflict that marks good friendships, but how conflicts are handled constructively.

Can You Learn Social Skills?

Yes — and the research contradicts a widespread assumption. Hays (1984) documented in a longitudinal study how much deliberate effortbuilding friendships requires. Participants reported: “We both had to work on our relationship, and it was worth it.”

The importance of social skills decreases over the course of a friendship. Initially they are decisive; in established friendships, reciprocity and shared history carry more weight.

Frequently Asked Questions

What skills do you need for friendships?

Different skills at different stages. Early on: initiation skills (introducing yourself, starting a conversation). Later: self-disclosure skills, warmth, support, and responsiveness — attentively engaging with what the other person says (Shaver et al., 1985).

Can you learn social skills?

Yes. Making friends is a learnable skill, comparable to picking up a sport (Cook, 1977). Studies show that people with deliberately trained social skills have more friends and experience more positive interactions.

What matters more — empathy or humor?

It depends on the stage. Humor helps with initiation — it breaks the ice. Empathy and responsiveness become more important once the relationship deepens. In the long run, the ability to truly engage with the other person counts more than being entertaining.

Why do some people have more friends?

Partly personality (extroverts initiate more often), partly social skills (responsive people are rated as more likable), and partly opportunity structures (those who meet people more frequently have more chances). All three factors work together.