Virtual Friendship: Can You Have Real Friends Online?

Can You Have Real Friends Online?

Based on a modern reading of Aristotelian friendship theory, one can argue that purely virtual friendship does not qualify as genuine, morally valuable friendship. By “virtual friendship” we mean relationships that exist exclusively or almost exclusively online and rarely involve in-person contact. Aristotle formulates three conditions for the highest form of friendship, and virtual relationships fail at least two of them.

Condition (i): Mutual recognition among equals. The friendship must exist between two equal adults and be consciously acknowledged by both sides. This condition can be met online and is therefore unproblematic.

Condition (ii): Theoria — shared contemplation. True friends spend time together and reflect on a broad spectrum of topics, both “high” and “low.” Online, however, people can control when, how, and for how long they interact. In the physical world we stumble into unexpected situations and must react spontaneously — the internet allows a preemptive censoring of encounters. As the example of Heraclitus in the kitchen shows, even seemingly mundane topics deserve philosophical contemplation. Virtual interaction is too restricted for that.

Aristotle’s Three Conditions

Condition (iii): Virtue-based admiration with complete knowledge of character. This is the core problem. Genuine admiration requires that both sides know the other’s full character — virtues and weaknesses. Online, two problems arise: first, people can withhold information about themselves, even unintentionally. Second, neither side is aware of this incompleteness. The example of Alice and Betty illustrates this: Betty conceals a physical impairment, so Alice’s affection and admiration rest on incomplete information. Even if the hidden traits were virtuous, the withholding itself is morally problematic.

Virtual friendship is thus a “lesser form” of social exchange — analogous to questionable alternative medicine that simulates real healing. Virtual friendship is not impossible, however: it can be instrumentally valuable and serve as a starting point for genuine in-person encounters. But for the morally most valuable friendship, real interaction remains indispensable.

The argument is based on Aristotle’s Nicomachean Ethics and its three conditions for the highest form of friendship. The authors position themselves between Cocking and Matthews (2000), who consider virtual friendship psychologically impossible, and Briggle (2008), who regards online friendships as equal or even superior. Their conclusion is more nuanced: virtual friendship is possible but morally less valuable. The analysis of selective self-presentation online connects to psychological research on online identity. Cooper (1977) is cited to show that the friend as “another self” enables an objective view of oneself — which requires complete knowledge. Sherman (1987) emphasizes that friendship provides the framework for expressing virtue.

Self-Censorship Online

The analysis rests on empirical assumptions about the limits of current technology. The authors themselves concede that technological advances (such as immersive virtual reality) could one day resolve the problems with condition (ii). One may also ask whether Aristotelian theory is the right standard for modern friendships: many contemporary friendship theories emphasize reciprocity and emotional closeness rather than virtue. Briggle argues that slower communication online could even enable deeper friendships. The distinction between “virtual” and “real” is increasingly artificial: many friendships today mix online and offline interaction. The authors also address only the extreme case of purely virtual friendship, making no claims about hybrid forms.

Online social networks (OSN) such as Facebook have changed social behavior and the everyday understanding of friendship, but their effects are more nuanced than public debate suggests. The decisive factor is how OSN are used.

Passive vs. active use: Verduyn et al. (2015) showed in a field study with 89 young adults surveyed multiple times daily over six days that passive Facebook use — observing others’ activities without engaging — lowers well-being. The mechanism: continuous exposure to others’ posts and their positive success stories triggers negative emotions, especially envy. Interestingly, all participants used Facebook about twice as often passively as actively — the typical user thus dampens their own mood. Besides passive OSN use, only one other variable influenced changes in affective well-being: direct (offline) social interactions with friends boosted it.

Passive vs. Active Use

Contact form and well-being: This finding is qualified by a population-representative study (Van der Horst & Coffé, 2012, N = 24,347): internet contact with friends does increase social trust and self-reported health but simultaneously raises stress levels. Only in-person meetings retain a direct positive effect on subjective well-being that is not explained by indirect mechanisms. Online contact is a useful supplement but not a full substitute for physical encounters.

Compensatory potential: Can OSN help people who have difficulty with friendships offline? The evidence is mixed. On one hand, a longitudinal study by van Zalk et al. (2014) showed that shy adolescents do benefit from OSN and can improve their self-esteem. On the other hand, OSN are hardly compensatory: people with low self-esteem are perceived more negatively online and are less popular, because their self-presentation on the internet is also more negative (Asendorpf et al., 2017). Personality acts as a filter online too.

Forming friendships online: Whether socially skilled or isolated individuals make online friends is debated. Fehr (2008) identifies a “rich-get-richer” hypothesis: socially adept people use the internet as another training ground. Introverts who deliberately use the internet to compensate for social deficits can, however, also build online friendships (Peter, Valkenburg & Schouten, 2005).

Social Media as a Tool

Practical value: Soberly considered, OSN seem most useful for networking and maintaining friendships across distance — for example after moves or during time abroad. They are less a substitute for physical proximity than a tool against its loss.

Sense of community and social capital: A longitudinal study by Damasio, Henriques and Costa (2012) with two Portuguese communities showed that introducing an online platform measurably increased both the sense of belonging and social capital. What mattered, however, was not the platform’s technical features but the interactions it enabled. Online activities also led to increased offline engagement — though the platforms mainly strengthened existing bonding ties without creating new bridging connections outward.

COVID-19 as a stress test: Dunbar (2025) reports a particularly revealing finding from the pandemic: online contact with friends or family did not significantly lower the risk of depression, and in some studies it even worsened the situation. This confirms earlier findings that online environments are less socially satisfying than in-person encounters. Dunbar et al. (2015) also show that online networks exhibit exactly the same layered structure as offline networks — the form of contact changes nothing about the fundamental organization of human social relationships.

Frequently Asked Questions

Can you have real friends online?

Condition (ii): Theoria — shared contemplation. True friends spend time together and reflect on a broad spectrum of topics, both “high” and “low.” Online, however, people can control when, how, and for how long they interact.

Is digital friendship less valuable?

The argument is based on Aristotle’s Nicomachean Ethics and its three conditions for the highest form of friendship.

Does social media harm friendship?

Online social networks (OSN) such as Facebook have changed social behavior and the everyday understanding of friendship, but their effects are more nuanced than public debate suggests. The decisive factor is how OSN are used.

How should I use social media for friendships?

Passive vs. active use: Verduyn et al. (2015) showed in a field study with 89 young adults surveyed multiple times daily over six days that passive Facebook use — observing others’ activities without engaging — lowers well-being.