What Sets Successful Friendships Apart from Failed Ones

What Sets Successful Friendships Apart from Failed Ones?

Successful dyads displayed more behaviors across virtually all interaction categories at every measurement point: sociability, communication, considerateness, and affection. The most striking difference lay in the exploration phase between weeks 3 and 6.

While successful pairs increased their interaction across all behavioral categories, the unsuccessful dyads were already declining. This critical phase appears to act as a kind of turning point.

Recognizing Early Indicators

The unsuccessful dyads showed a clear pattern: their behavioral frequencies dropped steadily from the third week on, and their friendship ratings fell continuously as well. The discovery of personal or situational factors that argued against a close friendship led to a gradual withdrawal.

The analogy to exchange theory (Thibaut & Kelley, 1959): the initial interaction increase in successful dyads can be interpreted as a phase in which the cost-benefit ratio of the relationship is being tested. Those who sense early on that the balance is right continue to invest.

The First Weeks Decide

The phase between weeks 3 and 6 is decisive — but not final. After the sixth week, interaction frequencies dropped even for the successful pairs — presumably due to increasing academic workload.

But here a revealing pattern emerges: the quality of the friendship continued to grow even as the quantity of interaction declined. As the bond matured, it became less dependent on the sheer volume of behaviors and more responsive to the quality and intimacy of the exchange.

Communication as the Key

Communication (including self-disclosure) was the category least correlated with friendship intensity after three weeks (r = .27). By the ninth week, it had risen to one of the most strongly correlated. This demonstrates that self-disclosure gains in importance as a friendship develops.

Hays’ participants confirmed: “We both had to work on our relationship, and it was worth it.” Friendships are an active achievement, not a passive state.

What to Do When It Doesn’t Work Out

Not every relationship has to become a close friendship. 40% fail — and that is not a failure but a normal selection process. The key is to increase the quality of interaction, not the quantity. Deeper conversations, shared fun, endorphin activities — not more meet-ups, but better ones.

Frequently Asked Questions

How can I tell if a friendship is going well?

By tracking its development in the first few weeks. Successful friendships show an increase in interaction between weeks 3 and 6 — in sociability, communication, considerateness, and affection. Friendships that fail begin declining during the same period (Hays, 1984).

When do friendships fail?

Often during the critical phase between weeks 3 and 6 after first meeting. Unsuccessful dyads show declining behavioral and rating scores from that point on — a gradual withdrawal when the relationship’s “reward potential” is perceived as too low.

What are warning signs in friendships?

Steadily declining interaction frequency combined with falling friendship ratings. If you notice you’re reaching out less and less and that meet-ups feel increasingly unfulfilling, that’s a clear signal.

Can failed friendships be saved?

It’s difficult but possible. The key: increase the quality of interaction, not the quantity. Deeper conversations, shared activities with an endorphin effect (laughing, sports, eating) — not more meet-ups, but better ones.