Why Friendships Between Unequals Are Rare

Why Are Friendships Between Unequals Rare?

Leibowitz (2018) identifies a central obstacle: the epistemic problem of power.Anyone who holds resources, status, or authority can never be entirely sure whether a lower-ranking person’s affection is genuine or strategic. A king does not know whether his subject values him as a person — or only his throne.

This is not merely a feeling. It undermines the possibility of establishing the mutual reciprocity that defines friendship. When the more powerful side doubts, genuine connection falls by the wayside.

The Epistemic Problem

The king-and-subject example illustrates the dilemma: the king cannot trust the subject because he cannot rule out that the friendliness is instrumentally motivated. Even if the subject truly feels genuine affection, the king lacks the means to verify it.

The problem does not disappear through good will. As long as power hierarchies exist, the communication of appreciationremains ambiguous. The lower-ranking person could be pursuing self-interest at any time — consciously or unconsciously. This structural uncertainty is why true friendship requires equality.

Aristotle and Equality

Already in the Nicomachean Ethics, Aristotle wrote: “Friendship is equality.” His virtue friendship — the highest form of friendship — requires both sides to meet as equals. Only then is mutual appreciation for the person’s own sakepossible.

Aristotle recognized friendships between unequals as possible in principle, but they require proportional reciprocity: the higher-ranking person receives more honor, the lower-ranking more material help. This is a compromise, not a substitute for the similarity that nourishes genuine friendship.

When It Works Anyway

Friendships between unequals are not impossible — but they need special conditions. Shared activities in which the hierarchy becomes irrelevant can temporarily neutralize the status gap: playing sports together, artistic projects, volunteer work.

In such contexts, abilities and interests matter instead of status. The communication of mutual appreciation becomes more credible because instrumental motivation drops away. The longer and more frequently these hierarchy-free encounters take place, the more real trust can grow.

The key point: inequality does not have to disappear, but it must be situationally neutralized. Where both sides meet as whole people — not as role holders — friendship becomes possible.

Frequently Asked Questions

Why are friendships between unequals rare?

Because the more powerful person cannot reliably tell whether the other’s affection is genuine or strategically motivated. This epistemic problem — described by Leibowitz (2018) — erodes the trust that real friendship requires.

Can a boss and an employee be friends?

In principle, yes, but the power hierarchy makes it considerably harder. The boss can never be entirely sure whether the employee’s friendliness is genuine or career-motivated. Shared activities outside the hierarchy — such as sports or volunteering — can temporarily neutralize the status gap.

What did Aristotle say about inequality?

In the Nicomachean Ethics, Aristotle stated: “Friendship is equality.” True virtue friendship requires that both sides meet as equals. Proportional reciprocity — the higher-ranking person receives more honor, the lower-ranking more material help — is a compromise, not the ideal.

How can status differences be bridged?

Through settings where the hierarchy becomes irrelevant: shared sports, artistic projects, volunteer work. In such contexts, abilities matter instead of status — and the communication of mutual appreciation becomes more credible.