Appreciation in Friendships: Why Showing Matters More Than Feeling

Why Is Appreciation Important in Friendships?

Communicating appreciation is, according to Leibowitz (2018), the constitutive feature of friendship. His thesis: friendship consists of each person valuing the other andsuccessfully communicating that appreciation. It is not enough to appreciate someone in silence — the friend must recognize it.

This explains a paradox many people know well: you think of a friend often, you value them deeply — but you do not reach out. The friend experiences no appreciation because none is communicated. The friendship erodes — not because the feeling is absent but because the action is.

How Do You Communicate Appreciation?

Three influential theories describe different paths for communicating appreciation. Leibowitz’s key contribution: he shows that all three are manifestations of the same core mechanism.

Thomas (1990) argued that self-disclosure — sharing personal secrets and intimate information — is the fundamental feature of friendship. Confiding your secrets in someone signals: I trust you enough to be vulnerable.

Cocking and Kennett (1998) emphasized the willingness to be guided by a friend’s interests. This means aligning your own activities and priorities around the friend — not out of duty but because their interests genuinely interest you.

C. S. Lewis saw the essence in shared intellectual passions. Friendship arises when two people discover they are occupied by the same question — and explore it together.

Different Paths — One Mechanism

Leibowitz’s integrative approach resolves the debate over which single trait defines friendship. Self-disclosure, interest orientation, and shared passion are all ways of showing a friend: you matter to me.

Additional forms include accepting the friend as they are— without trying to change them — and jointly exploring ideas and problems. What all these forms share: they require reciprocity. Only when appreciation is communicated from both sides does genuine friendship emerge.

Voluntariness as a Signal of Appreciation

A crucial aspect often overlooked in everyday discussion: precisely because friendships are not institutionalized— there is no obligation to meet a friend or help them — every voluntary action signals appreciation.

The deliberate decision to invest time and energy in a relationship is interpreted by the other person as a sign of being valued. In family relationships this signaling effect is weaker because meetings and support are often perceived as obligations. In friendships, however, every call, every message, every meeting is a voluntary act — and thus a signal.

This also explains why silence is so much more destructive in friendships than in family relationships. When you do not reach out, you signal — whether you intend to or not — a lack of appreciation. Not because you do not feel it, but because you do not communicate it.

Cultural Differences

There is no universal way to express appreciation. Different cultures and individuals prefer different methods. In some cultures self-disclosure and emotional exchange dominate; in others, shared activity and quiet loyalty.

Leibowitz emphasizes: what counts is not the specific form but that the communication succeeds. The friend must recognize the appreciation as such. If you show your friend appreciation through shared activity but they expect self-disclosure, the communication can fail — even though both sides value each other.

This perspective has practical consequences: it pays to find out howyour friend experiences appreciation — not just whether you feel it. More on the role of the sense of belonging in this context.

Frequently Asked Questions

How do I show friends appreciation?

There is no universal way. Self-disclosure (confiding personally), interest orientation (letting yourself be guided by a friend’s interests), shared intellectual exploration, and accepting the friend as they are all count. What matters is not the method but that the appreciation is recognized by the other person (Leibowitz, 2018).

Why isn’t goodwill alone enough?

Because appreciation must be communicated to have an effect. You can value someone deeply — if the other person does not recognize it, no friendship forms. Leibowitz speaks of “successful communication”: appreciation must not only be sent but received.

What are the ways to show appreciation?

Thomas (1990) emphasizes self-disclosure: sharing secrets as proof of trust. Cocking and Kennett (1998) emphasize interest orientation: aligning priorities around the friend. C. S. Lewis emphasizes shared intellectual passions. All three describe different manifestations of the same core mechanism.

Is appreciation culture-dependent?

Yes. Different cultures and individuals prefer different methods. In some cultures self-disclosure dominates, in others shared activity. What counts is not the specific form but that the communication succeeds — that the friend recognizes the appreciation as such.